even the longest journey starts with one step

ok so for my 2 readers or whatever got a email from cheri today becuase i wrote her to say i was sorry that was all well i guess she got her friends to tear me a new one making lol jason's as i made lol cheri's but these are better of course they used photoshop and everything well good for them they wasted there time making fun of a big loser wow thats special and also more that she is moving on which started happening in october also she changed her phone number and aim screen name and will never unblock me on myspace well last night that would have really got me in a panic but tonight im cool with it i keep asking myself why did i have feelings for somebody that had no care for me at all why did i fight for somebody who is so heartless mean and selfish i did alot of doing before thinking i did alot of hurtful things but i did them i didnt draw all my friends in to put cheri down i did it on my own cause i wanted to fight for something i thought i loved and maybe it wasnt that i loved her maybe it was that i loved the having somebody there the thought that i could go over to her house and hang that i would meet her on friday after work the thought that i wasnt alone but now that i look back at it i dont think it was her i was really in love with im not saying i didnt have feelings for her but sometimes my mind gets its wires crossed and i confuse like,lust, and the such for love but i guess thats a cross i have to bear and deal with and then the whole loss thing im not going back into that read some older post and you see what i think aboot that well thats an other thing i gotta deal with but i also think its pretty understandable why i act the way i do aboot loss so today i was playing call of duty 4 and i thought to myself shit why do you keep dieing so much and then i said to myself its the way your gong aboot things you run into them head long with out thinking so i changed what i did in the game and stopped dying so much and know im going to try and change what i do in life from now on to i dont wanna jump into anything like i have in the past shit i have jumped into pretty much ever relationship i have ever had head first with my eyes closed not knowing how deep the water really was its how i did most everything in my life not looking to see what i could do to get the best out of the end just going for it not caring how things worked out i know that will be hard for me to do but im going to try my best ok im not going to stop posting anything thing i have brought back everything i ever posted on this blog and its staying up it is/was the way i feel and this is my space to let all that shit out there is alot more i could write aboot but im slacking off at work and really need to get started on my stuff for the night oh wait one last thing i think i saw cheri's dad tonight he was pushing a shopping cart down the road looking for cans in the trash screaming something aboot having a 22 with hallow points and that he was going to shot me(might be my one last dig at cheri might not be) but maybe it wasnt him who knows oh and then there is the whole yve thing shit i really dont wanna talk aboot right this second but i guess i will i have been talking to her for aboot a month now and she is really nice and we have gone out a few times and she came over to my house today(shit i must be crazy talking aboot this on the end of this post oh well) i was still stuck on cheryl or i thought i was(my dealing with loss issue) but im pretty confadint that im done with that and now i can work on screwing up things with yve maybe i will maybe i wont but i am going to talk to her soon aboot taking things slow and hopefully things will turn out for the best but who knows .........................just thinking aboot taking my first next step on that long journey folks call life..... oh yeah one more thing aboot cheryl im glad she is having a better life with out me around thats really what i wanted i really just wish her happiness i know i said alot of stupid and hurtful things but at the time i thought she had riped my heart out but i guess thats all in the past and i cant do anything aboot it now oh well