i shouldnt but im dumb anyway

i dont wanna post shit like this but it rattles around in my head till i wish it would just pop i know im mental or something i have shitty thoughts all the time i try to do stuff to take my mind away but that lasts so shortly then im back to the blues and blacks that seem to be filling my mind lately i try to get past it i really do i tell myself your not bad your a worth while person but i cant belive the lies its felt as if i havent been in my own body for sometime now im running on auto-pilot i used to have things i wanted to do but now everything just feels the same its all blah its all pointless ill just fuck it up ill just end up with nothing in the end cause thats all i put into it is nothing i am worthless i dont know how to change i dont know if i even want to i just have no concept of what i should do i wake up and nothing gets me going i search for stuff i sit and stare at things that have no point no feeling i search for light but my eyes are blind to the goodness of this world right now the happiness makes me sick the joy bring only fear that what is will forever be and i wish so much i could just run just leave everything and let it grow because i only bring pain sorrow and heart ache where every i go i should run for the mountains take myself away from those which i have hurt some much already maybe that would be for the best i think i like being alone so much not because im worried others will screw things up but if im alone there is nobody around for me to fuck over a i seem to do all the time i should be locked up im sitting on the end of the diving board and the deep end of the pool shows my refection so good im thinking of diving in
there is one point of light that i can see and thats ethan no matter how bad a dad i am or how bad im feeling he just knows how to press the right buttons for me he is wonderful and im sorry im his dad because he diserves so much better