today I was thinking why I fight so much the loss of somebody that I think loves/likes me whatever I fight tooth and nail not to lose them from my life I'll never get to fight for her love I never get to try and win her back into my life so I project these feelings onto others onto the living when in fact I want the dead I want her back I don't know if we would still even be together but I like to think we would be she was so special to me and still is I'm lost at that moment that pain still runs though me everyday I would give anything to have taken her place to give my life for hers I hate her sometimes for leaving me I hate myself all the time for leaving her I should have stayed I know I wouldn't been able to do anything and I had been up for 2 days and the doctors all said she would be fine but still I should have stayed I try my best to make the woman in my life happy because I'm projecting more I didn't have to do anything to make Shanna happy it just happened I miss her so much I loss(love&miss we used to say it to each other) her I know its been 8 years but it still feels like yesterday I got that call I dropped the phone and put my head though the wall now I think what the fuck there are folks on this earth now that I love and care for but can do nothing about so I fight them till they hate me I try not to get mean but sometimes i do I just think about how much I love them and blast them with that I don't know how to let go of them as I still haven't figured out how to deal with losing Shanna I still think one of these days I'm going to turn a corner and bump into her I don't know this probable sounds dumb and it's just the ranting of a simple minded fool but it's how I feel I'm so very sorry to everyone